I am sad.

That is the most clear and simple way to describe my feelings of anger, inadequacy and unhappiness. I am sad because it has been more than a year since my wedding and I am still not over the downfalls.

Why? Why do I feel these feelings? Why are they so deep and why hasn't time healed them yet? I've tried many things to rid myself of them... I've written in my diary, I've spoken to anyone who will listen, and most recently, I've decided to plan my dream wedding. It is not working any better than any of the other "remedies." I'm just getting more sad by actually finding things that I would have loved to have.

I found beautiful and affordable leaf favors... tons of possible centerpieces... other reception and ceremony location possibilities... all the things I want, but didn't get.

I've narrowed it down to time. I planned my wedding in six months and it was simply not enough time. We tried to cut corners to save money and I ended up cutting corners in that areas that were most important to me. We started out with a simple package because it was affordable, but then my fiance got excited about another option so we went with it and $20 more dollars a plate. That money could have been used for center pieces! Or decorations for the gazebo that was ugly plain. When I asked the coordinator at the venu about getting decorations, he said he didn't think we needed it. He was wrong!!

I look at our picture and I'm disappointed. We squeezed in the photo session between the ceremony and reception... we only had an hour. It totally sucked. I didn't realize that it clearly was not enough time. NO ONE TOLD ME.

I just have so much bitterness. My family didn't help me. My mother is hopeless and my aunt was afraid to disagree with me or make any suggestions (I'm guessing). And of course my in-laws didn't want to "step on my toes." Whatever. I could have used some freaking advise! Everyone somehow thought that I knew what I was doing and I very much did not. My poor bridesmaids helped as best they could, but all I did was talk their ears off with wedding talk. I couldn't stop. I had diarrhea of the mouth.

On top of all that, I could not get my fiance to help! He is an amazing guy, but what the heck did he know about planning a wedding either. He constantly told me we can push it back and I truly felt inside that I wanted to. I knew in my heart that I would need more time if I wanted everything to go smoothly. I pushed that feeling away. I was so worried about what everyone would think that I trudged on against my better judgment.

I'm mad at myself, my in-laws and everyone who didn't try to help me. It's really a horrible feeling to have with you an a daily basis. I'm at my wits end because I just don't know how to make the feelings go away... I cannot find closure.

So then I think maybe there is this world out there of "bitter brides" and maybe I can find some sort of website that would allow me to share more horror stories (which I know are not as bad as a lot of weddings) and to feel better by knowing there are other wives out there who have had similar experiences and who do have similar feelings. Nothing.

It may help to turn this into something positive, like a book. I need to look into that.