How important is self worth?

Lately I feel as though I do nothing the right way. I keep comparing myself to others and I feel like less of a person because they seem to be on the right track and me... well not so much.

I have finally got a job! Well actually I have two. BOA came through and I've been there a week yesterday. Things are going very well. Burlington also came through, so that's good. I can't help but feel if I just stayed at that damn retail job I wouldn't have pissed away most of our wedding money. It was a lot of money and now we can't even afford to pick up our pictures. I feel like such an ass. Granted, I really thought that I would have a job sooner than I could say 'boo,' but like I mentioned before, it didn't work that way. Now the two jobs will hopefully not only cover our monthly bills, but maybe I can slowly make up for the last two months. Then we could do what we should have been able to do, which is put it on a cd.

Writing that brings me to tears. So, while other couples are happily saving their wedding money and buying a house and all that fun stuff, I'm stuck feeling like this and worrying about everything. I don't think I've ever felt regret such as this.

Moving on... to this day I am so aggravated about the center pieces at our wedding. We were trying to save money and so the venue said they would use their votives with floating candles. That sounded beautiful. The night of the rehearsal we were able to look at our room. Well, the tables had our flower petals and two decently pretty glass candles. They looked okay, but they were not what we discussed, so I called the guy putting it all together and left a message that I thought we were doing votives with floating candles.

If he didn't have floating candles, he should have said so and left it the way it was, but instead he put out the votives with tea lights inside. I think it looked sooo stupid!! To this day I dread the way it looked because having a beautiful set-up was so important to me. People remember the center piece at weddings. I don't know when I will get over it, but I look at other brides who have guidance from their mothers and sisters. I had none of that.

I think it is jealously that I had none of that and I planned that wedding basically by myself. If I thought I was silly for crying before, now I'm like a rain cloud. I truly don't know how to forget all of this and how to feel like I am good at life... basically that is the best way to put it right now.

Here it is, Thanksgiving, and I have all of this backed-up in my brain. Anyway, maybe being thankful for things can help in some way...

I am thankful for being "rescued." I would be one messed up adult if the boy hadn't taken me in four years ago. It may have lead to what I believe was a rushed engagement (but it was something I made clear I wanted). It is hard to be thankful for being rescued when I think of it that way, but that's how it is. When you live with someone, you take the steps. When you argue, but have no where to turn, you stay. My daughter will never feel that she needs to leave or depend on a young man to take care of her.

I am thankful for my dogs. They can be a pain in the butt and all that, but they are there for me through thick and thin and they just want to love and be loved.

I am thankful for our new apartment. We are not living in it yet, but it has been gutted and there is new carpet, cabinets, walls and paint. It is so exciting! I wont say much more until we are actually living there because the way things are going, I don't want that to fall from under us.

I am thankful for my Godmother. I don't get to see her often (and I truly wish she was more of a help with our wedding), but she does the best she can. She pushed me to go to college and has always loved me and supported me through everything.

I am thankful for the boy. I can be real tough sometimes and he is always right there, never willing to give up on me. It's scary to think that maybe one day he'll get tired of our arguing and he'll find someone better, but I can only hope that doesn't happen.

I am thankful for Thanksgiving because I've been working my tail off and today I don't have work!! Hurray!


I can't say I feel 100% better, but writing and getting my true feelings out is a good step. I hope that these feelings will go away and I realize that no one is perfect. I cannot change the past and it is so important that I don't let it affect me, but it does so very much. It makes me an ugly person to be envious of others and I don't know how to fix that. Hopefully time will find a way.

Bird.