How important is self worth?

Lately I feel as though I do nothing the right way. I keep comparing myself to others and I feel like less of a person because they seem to be on the right track and me... well not so much.

I have finally got a job! Well actually I have two. BOA came through and I've been there a week yesterday. Things are going very well. Burlington also came through, so that's good. I can't help but feel if I just stayed at that damn retail job I wouldn't have pissed away most of our wedding money. It was a lot of money and now we can't even afford to pick up our pictures. I feel like such an ass. Granted, I really thought that I would have a job sooner than I could say 'boo,' but like I mentioned before, it didn't work that way. Now the two jobs will hopefully not only cover our monthly bills, but maybe I can slowly make up for the last two months. Then we could do what we should have been able to do, which is put it on a cd.

Writing that brings me to tears. So, while other couples are happily saving their wedding money and buying a house and all that fun stuff, I'm stuck feeling like this and worrying about everything. I don't think I've ever felt regret such as this.

Moving on... to this day I am so aggravated about the center pieces at our wedding. We were trying to save money and so the venue said they would use their votives with floating candles. That sounded beautiful. The night of the rehearsal we were able to look at our room. Well, the tables had our flower petals and two decently pretty glass candles. They looked okay, but they were not what we discussed, so I called the guy putting it all together and left a message that I thought we were doing votives with floating candles.

If he didn't have floating candles, he should have said so and left it the way it was, but instead he put out the votives with tea lights inside. I think it looked sooo stupid!! To this day I dread the way it looked because having a beautiful set-up was so important to me. People remember the center piece at weddings. I don't know when I will get over it, but I look at other brides who have guidance from their mothers and sisters. I had none of that.

I think it is jealously that I had none of that and I planned that wedding basically by myself. If I thought I was silly for crying before, now I'm like a rain cloud. I truly don't know how to forget all of this and how to feel like I am good at life... basically that is the best way to put it right now.

Here it is, Thanksgiving, and I have all of this backed-up in my brain. Anyway, maybe being thankful for things can help in some way...

I am thankful for being "rescued." I would be one messed up adult if the boy hadn't taken me in four years ago. It may have lead to what I believe was a rushed engagement (but it was something I made clear I wanted). It is hard to be thankful for being rescued when I think of it that way, but that's how it is. When you live with someone, you take the steps. When you argue, but have no where to turn, you stay. My daughter will never feel that she needs to leave or depend on a young man to take care of her.

I am thankful for my dogs. They can be a pain in the butt and all that, but they are there for me through thick and thin and they just want to love and be loved.

I am thankful for our new apartment. We are not living in it yet, but it has been gutted and there is new carpet, cabinets, walls and paint. It is so exciting! I wont say much more until we are actually living there because the way things are going, I don't want that to fall from under us.

I am thankful for my Godmother. I don't get to see her often (and I truly wish she was more of a help with our wedding), but she does the best she can. She pushed me to go to college and has always loved me and supported me through everything.

I am thankful for the boy. I can be real tough sometimes and he is always right there, never willing to give up on me. It's scary to think that maybe one day he'll get tired of our arguing and he'll find someone better, but I can only hope that doesn't happen.

I am thankful for Thanksgiving because I've been working my tail off and today I don't have work!! Hurray!


I can't say I feel 100% better, but writing and getting my true feelings out is a good step. I hope that these feelings will go away and I realize that no one is perfect. I cannot change the past and it is so important that I don't let it affect me, but it does so very much. It makes me an ugly person to be envious of others and I don't know how to fix that. Hopefully time will find a way.

Bird.

How fast is the rollercoaster of life?

A few hours after my last post I got a call from the temp agency! I start Wednesday!!

The boy and I figured out what we need to make to get by with the apartment and with the BOA job as well as Burlington, we should cover it! With little left over of course, but most of me believes that having an apartment is so worth the cut backs! I only wish I had realized earlier, before I quite the retail job... At the time I thought there wasn't a more horrible job and that I could find a new job in less than a week. I was very wrong.

Now I need to prove myself to Karma and to Fate and to God. I believe in those things and it's time I admit it. In order to do well, I must prove that I will work hard no matter what. I just need to remind myself on the bad days that if I work hard, a brake will come. I cannot expect everything to come to me- it is time for me to chase what I want.

Of course, I am worried because I haven't been able to get a job in my field and now going into a possible career that has nothing to do with my wonderful field... well, what if I loose my skill? I worked so hard in school and I truly enjoyed PR and Desktop Publishing. I really grew as a writer and even though I've said that I don't care about getting a writing job because I just need a job, I would really love one.

What I need to do is work this job and do my best, meanwhile keeping an eye out for writing opportunities. I can't be afraid to be on top and I can't be afraid to work my ass off to get there.

Writing is such a wonderful way to gain insight.

Bird.



PS - Good bye to another wonderful Autumn and hello to a week of 30 something temps. Brrr.

Is it stress?

I'm stuck in limbo.

I did not get the wonderful dream job. I found out shortly after rushing off the posting yesterday... in a polite letter. Wonderful.

I have not started at Bank of America and after calling the temp agency this morning I found out that they don't know when I will start because of some e-mail that hasn't been returned.

I've been looking for another job.... although I doubt I would be hired more quickly than at BOA. I did get a part time job at Burlington, but I wont have a start date until Wednesdayish.

Limbo sucks. Time is running out before the boy and I move into our new apartment. He's still in college and the rent is up to this wonderful college grad. When I look back to the start of college, it seems that opportunity just fell into my lap. It seems like things always worked out and they worked out on time. I am truly worried that things will not work out on time this time.

I woke up sick... I have a throat thing with some aches.. Being un-employed means you must be sure to take your vitamin every day and an extra dose of vitamin C in the winter. Hopefully it's just stress

Bird.

And so the job hunt goes

I've finally found a job... I think.

After a month of searching and applying and a little praying, my mother-in-law has hooked me up at Bank of America. The trouble is I'm going through a temp agency because the only opening right now is temporary. The agency has been doing a "background check" for two and one half weeks. Ugg.

The week after applying for this job, I saw an opening for a Communications Coordinator for the United Neighborhood Centers of NEPA. It looked pretty great because I think UNC is a great organization. Even though I have no grant writing experience I mailed in a cover letter, my resume and references on thick, off-white, very professional-looking paper. Yes... and the CL was pretty darn heart-wrenching. It mentioned that I have experienced poverty and that I would put my heart into grant writing. I got an interview!

The interview went pretty well... I was pretty excited because I found out that the job also requires brochure and newsletter writing

gotta go... I'll finish later

To Start Again

To start again is a bit frustrating, but what I should have learned from accidentaly deleting my old blog is that when something you love is destroyed, you must re-build... or in this case re-write.

Well, I wont exactly re-write what I've written, but I will start over with the least amount of anguish possible.

So, I'm a 23-year-old married woman who has been living with her now husband since she was 19. We are awaiting our finished apartment and I can't wait! Ohh to have more room and more freedom. It is great living with my in-laws... there is always someone around and always something to do, but it will be nice to decorate my own place and to practice cooking and to just have a blast with my husband.

It may seem odd that I have been living with my boy (which I will often refer to him as) since I was 19. That is because it is and I have always sworn that my daughter will never feel that she must leave our home so early in life. It may have been more normal back in the day for young adults to move out at 18, but that was when going to work right after high school was the norm. I was in college full-time and she kicked me out (she, of course, being my mother).

Now, I knew that she wasn't fully serious, but I had seen her kick my older brother out several times and I promised myself that the first time she did it to me, I would be gone. And I was.

Moving on from then... I am now a college graduate with a BA in Professional Writing. I enjoy business writing (PR and such), but I also love poetry. It is difficult to feel inspired when you dedicate your time to everyone else, so I am also hoping that the move into our own place will give me more time to write. More time to write and draw and paint and be creative. I'm trying to start the process now.

When I lived with my mother, there was a cemetery a couple of blocks from our house. It was wide open and going there in the day to think, write or jog was a wonderful way to escape. Here is a poem I wrote remembering it for Creative Writing: Poetry

Home

I lived in a cemetery
Its paved walkways
welcomed
my padding sneakers
with a solid 'thump,
thump'

And fresh cut grass
bathed
my agony
with soft, green
remorse

I lived in a cemetery
Its hilled walls cushioned
my settling thoughts
with a warm sofa
embrace

And open air
dressed
my naked tears
with the taste
of morning tea

Nodding
to the grey, tall
or flat stones
as they whispered
"It will be
okay"
I lived in a cemetery.


-Bird

A sad day

In an attempt to delete a former blog of mine, I accidentally deleted this one and I am very upset about it.

When I get around to feeling better and the spirit moves me to blog some more, I will.

Bird