Closure?

I wrote the letter and I sent the letter.

My hubby had it right when he said that the reason I can't get over it is because I haven't told the one person that needed to be told (Ramada). Most of my anguish was a result of their lack of capability and communication.

I am the type of person who lets people know when they have wronged me. I don't like having untold feelings and it's important for me to always be open and honest with people. Basically, I was feeling like I was letting them get away with it. So... here is the letter:

Dear Mr. Matlock:

I am writing in regard to my wedding held on October 3, 2008. For over a year since my wedding and I have been living with the regret and stress of how that day carried out. I feel that writing this letter may alleviate some of my sadness and I believe that you should know the downfalls of your operation.

To begin, my husband and I met with Frankie to initiate the plans. We let him know right off that bat that we were trying to cut corners because we were paying for the wedding ourselves. We spoke about meal options and while the cost of the Sapphire package was ideal, my husband got excited about the idea that we could have Damon’s ribs served. Frankie said that if we had it as a stationed wedding, it wouldn’t be too expensive.

Frankie said that he would create a contract for us, but we never received one. We did not find out the price of our meals until a couple days before the wedding, when I had my husband go down and ask for a bill. I had no idea that it was “the norm” to only see the bill the day of your wedding. It still doesn’t make since to me. I feel that if I had known that it would be $20 more per plate, we could have made a more informed decision. Furthermore, the “stations” had somehow turned into a buffet, with no discussion or explanation.

When my husband received the bill, he had to go back and request the discount that we were promised (for having our wedding on a Friday night). Also, we were charged $500 for the outdoor ceremony, when we were originally told $400. When I came to pay the bill and informed the assistant manager of the mistake, she told me that the price went up, but reluctantly adjusted it. As well, when we were given the invitation inserts, the price listed for a stay the night of the wedding was $89. When I explained that Frankie had told us it would be $79, you had to redo 130 inserts.

When meeting with Frankie the first night and I asked about decorating the gazebo, he suggested we do nothing and that it would look great. It looked plain. Especially since he (or whoever was in charge of “decorating”) forgot to put out the bows that my maid-of-honor’s mother had made. She hand crafted beautiful white and orange bows for the chairs and I only found out that they were forgotten a few weeks after the wedding. Yes, it is frustrating that she didn’t say anything at the time, but she was trying to be polite and not stress me out. It was Frankie’s job to remember.

Additionally, to keep within our budget, Frankie assured me that we can use votives with floating candles as the centerpieces. The night before the wedding, when we saw the room, there were just two small candles on the tables… I was confused. I called Frankie to remind him what we agreed on and he said he would change it. The day of the wedding, I came into the room to find a glass votive with two small tin candles inside. I understand that I didn’t pay for elaborate flowers or centerpieces, but every bride deserves the best possible. If I had known that Frankie could no longer provide floating candles, I would have gone out and gotten some myself.

Every bride has something different that means most to her, be it the dress, the food, etc. For me it was decorations and if I had only known then what I know now I would not have trusted the “wedding coordinator” at Ramada Clarks Summit. I am sincerely disappointed with the service I received during the planning process. I never expected that one of the most important days of my life would be one of the biggest let downs.

I absolutely wish I had written this letter much sooner, but as a young bride taking care of things myself, I wasn’t sure of protocol and was too shy. Certainly, if I had known that these feelings would still live with me, I would have done more. I do hope that you learn from this letter and that you are able to make some positive adjustments to your processes.

Thank you for your time.

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So far I am absolutely feeling better. I am hoping to hear back from the manager for some serious closure, but at least I can hope to assume he has received it and will understand what I have gone through... and hopefully make some changes.

I am sad.

That is the most clear and simple way to describe my feelings of anger, inadequacy and unhappiness. I am sad because it has been more than a year since my wedding and I am still not over the downfalls.

Why? Why do I feel these feelings? Why are they so deep and why hasn't time healed them yet? I've tried many things to rid myself of them... I've written in my diary, I've spoken to anyone who will listen, and most recently, I've decided to plan my dream wedding. It is not working any better than any of the other "remedies." I'm just getting more sad by actually finding things that I would have loved to have.

I found beautiful and affordable leaf favors... tons of possible centerpieces... other reception and ceremony location possibilities... all the things I want, but didn't get.

I've narrowed it down to time. I planned my wedding in six months and it was simply not enough time. We tried to cut corners to save money and I ended up cutting corners in that areas that were most important to me. We started out with a simple package because it was affordable, but then my fiance got excited about another option so we went with it and $20 more dollars a plate. That money could have been used for center pieces! Or decorations for the gazebo that was ugly plain. When I asked the coordinator at the venu about getting decorations, he said he didn't think we needed it. He was wrong!!

I look at our picture and I'm disappointed. We squeezed in the photo session between the ceremony and reception... we only had an hour. It totally sucked. I didn't realize that it clearly was not enough time. NO ONE TOLD ME.

I just have so much bitterness. My family didn't help me. My mother is hopeless and my aunt was afraid to disagree with me or make any suggestions (I'm guessing). And of course my in-laws didn't want to "step on my toes." Whatever. I could have used some freaking advise! Everyone somehow thought that I knew what I was doing and I very much did not. My poor bridesmaids helped as best they could, but all I did was talk their ears off with wedding talk. I couldn't stop. I had diarrhea of the mouth.

On top of all that, I could not get my fiance to help! He is an amazing guy, but what the heck did he know about planning a wedding either. He constantly told me we can push it back and I truly felt inside that I wanted to. I knew in my heart that I would need more time if I wanted everything to go smoothly. I pushed that feeling away. I was so worried about what everyone would think that I trudged on against my better judgment.

I'm mad at myself, my in-laws and everyone who didn't try to help me. It's really a horrible feeling to have with you an a daily basis. I'm at my wits end because I just don't know how to make the feelings go away... I cannot find closure.

So then I think maybe there is this world out there of "bitter brides" and maybe I can find some sort of website that would allow me to share more horror stories (which I know are not as bad as a lot of weddings) and to feel better by knowing there are other wives out there who have had similar experiences and who do have similar feelings. Nothing.

It may help to turn this into something positive, like a book. I need to look into that.

It's all about Stuff

I can't get over it and I can't find a way around it... just gotta go through it.

Stuff. You know, clothes, jewelry, decor and all that 'stuff' that makes us unique and happy. Supposedly.

I do like stuff, but I do not have money. So here I am, looking at all this stuff online... cool stuff that would be original and describes me perfectly. I have no money to buy this stuff and it makes me feel inadequate. Makes me feel like I'm not describing my personality to the world. I mean, even if I find stuff on sale, I wont buy it because I know I need my money for other things right now. But that is how it has been my whole life, so when does the lack of money end and the stuff begin?

Every time you think you are ahead, something falls through and you are once again just making it. That's just how it feels right now, half empty. Also, every time I think I wont make it, something happens so that we have just enough... so there's the half full that I do so love.

Every time I think I'm going to finally get all of my hours in at work, something happens. I get sick, which describes these past two days. Ugg.... so I'll just keep plugging away and hoping to get ahead. By the time I have money for stuff, I might be so engulfed in the reasons to not buy it that I'll never feel satisfied.

Well, we'll see and as always hoping for the best!

So Far, So Real

It's a Sunday morning and I'm getting ready to shower and then I'm off to the magazine for my part-time job. Yes, I got it!

I also got approval to work on articles during the time I'm punched-in at the office, which is something I was doing for free before. At the time I was struggling to grasp some of what I love about life and myself. I was willing to write for free just to stay in the game. Now, I'm able to get paid! Hurray!!

So, some pretty amazing things have happened this week. Last Wednesday I got out of work early because my class was in ratio and I wasn't needed (that's a whole other story). Anyway, I'm driving to my mother-in-laws and I hear on the radio "Caller 20 get tickets to Cirque Du Soleil." Of course I called because for one thing, who doesn't love winning things on the radio and also, I really wanted to see the show! The line was busy for about 20 attempts and finally it RANG! It range and range and rang some more. I contemplated hanging up and trying again, but then I thought to myself, "Stick it out." Then... the dj picks up and says "Hello." And of course they never just say "hello" when you calling in for a contest unless you won!

The show was that night! I didn't realize before I had called in. So my husband, sister-in-law and I rushed to get ready so we could pick up the tickets on time.

I could finish with "The show was AMAZING," but there's more.

When we got there, my sister-in-law happened to know a girl who was part of security. This wonderful person got us Free nachos, Free pretzels and Free drinks!

IT WAS AWESOME!

The lesson here is if you just keep looking up and hold on to a positive attitude about life, unlikely and exciting things can happen! You just need to let them.

It almost doesn't feel real

I was so miserable for so long. It began with the wedding that I had planned by myself... so much was missed and I let that eat me alive for months. Then I had the worst job I had ever imagined and couldn't just up and leave because of a little thing called "responsibility." Oh, the joy of adulthood. I cried almost every day because I am that type of person who believes not a day of this short life is worth living with unhappiness and my unhappiness lasted way too long.

Now, I have a new job that I start on Monday as head teach for a class of toddlers. Although I don't think it would be my first pick, I'm taking it in stride and allowing myself to see what I can really do. I have control and real responsibility with this job and that is something relatively new.

In more exciting news, Happenings has welcomed be back with open arms. I'm now working on an article you're sure to see in the August issue. To make things even better, my editor asked if I would like some part-time work helping out in the graphic design area. Now that is what I call a part-time job! And I must add that I did actually pray for this one. My editor offered it to me because I'm dependable, but she needed to speak to the head honcho before confirming. During that wait I prayed for myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I prayed for myself- other than for courage or strength. It's scary because you start feeling that you better watch your step or the ground can fall from under you.

That is why I don't like to talk about it or to get too excited about it. If I do then everything might just disappear and I'll fall even harder. So... I'm breathing deeply and trying to take it slowly. I'll do my best and hope that the normalcy I feel and the enjoyment of life and work will stick around for a while... a long while.

To feel human again

I just finished my first article for Happenings Magazine, my second time around. This time it's on my free time and just so I can keep sharp. Yes, it means I'm not getting paid. But hopefully I'll keep getting published and that makes it a step in the right direction!

I finish at BoA next week, have a week of vaca, then work starts with the two-year-olds. I'm nervous because I'm not that person who grew up babysitting or watching younger brothers or sisters. I don't even feel I relate that well with kids. BUT I have my Associates in ECE and once again, the new job is a step in the right direction for where I want to end up in life... plus it is a day job with weekends off!! HURRAY

It is so exciting to be writing again though. I feel good about the article I finished tonight... I feel human again. I was really considering a possibility of clinical depression... or just a phase of deep depression... I'll say it again. These changes are really a step in the right directions. I feel I'm coming out of it already!

Okay... I'm tired and rambling, but I just needed to say... I FEEL HUMAN AGAIN! :)

Is Internet the key to my happiness?

Firstly, WOOHOO!

We have Internet now at the apartment and it gives me more ability to search for a new job, freelance and write on my blog.

As for the job search, I'm on the "S" list at work. My boss is aware that I am searching and I've been added to some sort of list. The boy likes to call it the shit list. "The Man" says that it's just so they aren't surprised when I leave and I said "I can still put two weeks in, right?"

Another sign that things are heading in the right direction is a call I got from Burlington yesterday. Before this job, I was doing temp work and also working at Burlington- the only reason we could afford our bills. Well, they had to let me go after the holiday season and my manager promised she would give me a call in the spring if they were hiring again... they are and she did! I really didn't think I would hear from her, but that's awesome. It means I can take the lesser-paying job that is at the tip of my fingers and have a second job at Burlington.

Supposedly I've been hired for this lesser-paying job, but I have not been given a start date and I was told she'll be in touch. I honestly don't believe it until it happens.

So I gotta go get ready for the current "S" list job- because yes, it is on my shit list.