It's all about Stuff

I can't get over it and I can't find a way around it... just gotta go through it.

Stuff. You know, clothes, jewelry, decor and all that 'stuff' that makes us unique and happy. Supposedly.

I do like stuff, but I do not have money. So here I am, looking at all this stuff online... cool stuff that would be original and describes me perfectly. I have no money to buy this stuff and it makes me feel inadequate. Makes me feel like I'm not describing my personality to the world. I mean, even if I find stuff on sale, I wont buy it because I know I need my money for other things right now. But that is how it has been my whole life, so when does the lack of money end and the stuff begin?

Every time you think you are ahead, something falls through and you are once again just making it. That's just how it feels right now, half empty. Also, every time I think I wont make it, something happens so that we have just enough... so there's the half full that I do so love.

Every time I think I'm going to finally get all of my hours in at work, something happens. I get sick, which describes these past two days. Ugg.... so I'll just keep plugging away and hoping to get ahead. By the time I have money for stuff, I might be so engulfed in the reasons to not buy it that I'll never feel satisfied.

Well, we'll see and as always hoping for the best!

So Far, So Real

It's a Sunday morning and I'm getting ready to shower and then I'm off to the magazine for my part-time job. Yes, I got it!

I also got approval to work on articles during the time I'm punched-in at the office, which is something I was doing for free before. At the time I was struggling to grasp some of what I love about life and myself. I was willing to write for free just to stay in the game. Now, I'm able to get paid! Hurray!!

So, some pretty amazing things have happened this week. Last Wednesday I got out of work early because my class was in ratio and I wasn't needed (that's a whole other story). Anyway, I'm driving to my mother-in-laws and I hear on the radio "Caller 20 get tickets to Cirque Du Soleil." Of course I called because for one thing, who doesn't love winning things on the radio and also, I really wanted to see the show! The line was busy for about 20 attempts and finally it RANG! It range and range and rang some more. I contemplated hanging up and trying again, but then I thought to myself, "Stick it out." Then... the dj picks up and says "Hello." And of course they never just say "hello" when you calling in for a contest unless you won!

The show was that night! I didn't realize before I had called in. So my husband, sister-in-law and I rushed to get ready so we could pick up the tickets on time.

I could finish with "The show was AMAZING," but there's more.

When we got there, my sister-in-law happened to know a girl who was part of security. This wonderful person got us Free nachos, Free pretzels and Free drinks!

IT WAS AWESOME!

The lesson here is if you just keep looking up and hold on to a positive attitude about life, unlikely and exciting things can happen! You just need to let them.

It almost doesn't feel real

I was so miserable for so long. It began with the wedding that I had planned by myself... so much was missed and I let that eat me alive for months. Then I had the worst job I had ever imagined and couldn't just up and leave because of a little thing called "responsibility." Oh, the joy of adulthood. I cried almost every day because I am that type of person who believes not a day of this short life is worth living with unhappiness and my unhappiness lasted way too long.

Now, I have a new job that I start on Monday as head teach for a class of toddlers. Although I don't think it would be my first pick, I'm taking it in stride and allowing myself to see what I can really do. I have control and real responsibility with this job and that is something relatively new.

In more exciting news, Happenings has welcomed be back with open arms. I'm now working on an article you're sure to see in the August issue. To make things even better, my editor asked if I would like some part-time work helping out in the graphic design area. Now that is what I call a part-time job! And I must add that I did actually pray for this one. My editor offered it to me because I'm dependable, but she needed to speak to the head honcho before confirming. During that wait I prayed for myself. I honestly can't remember the last time I prayed for myself- other than for courage or strength. It's scary because you start feeling that you better watch your step or the ground can fall from under you.

That is why I don't like to talk about it or to get too excited about it. If I do then everything might just disappear and I'll fall even harder. So... I'm breathing deeply and trying to take it slowly. I'll do my best and hope that the normalcy I feel and the enjoyment of life and work will stick around for a while... a long while.

To feel human again

I just finished my first article for Happenings Magazine, my second time around. This time it's on my free time and just so I can keep sharp. Yes, it means I'm not getting paid. But hopefully I'll keep getting published and that makes it a step in the right direction!

I finish at BoA next week, have a week of vaca, then work starts with the two-year-olds. I'm nervous because I'm not that person who grew up babysitting or watching younger brothers or sisters. I don't even feel I relate that well with kids. BUT I have my Associates in ECE and once again, the new job is a step in the right direction for where I want to end up in life... plus it is a day job with weekends off!! HURRAY

It is so exciting to be writing again though. I feel good about the article I finished tonight... I feel human again. I was really considering a possibility of clinical depression... or just a phase of deep depression... I'll say it again. These changes are really a step in the right directions. I feel I'm coming out of it already!

Okay... I'm tired and rambling, but I just needed to say... I FEEL HUMAN AGAIN! :)

Is Internet the key to my happiness?

Firstly, WOOHOO!

We have Internet now at the apartment and it gives me more ability to search for a new job, freelance and write on my blog.

As for the job search, I'm on the "S" list at work. My boss is aware that I am searching and I've been added to some sort of list. The boy likes to call it the shit list. "The Man" says that it's just so they aren't surprised when I leave and I said "I can still put two weeks in, right?"

Another sign that things are heading in the right direction is a call I got from Burlington yesterday. Before this job, I was doing temp work and also working at Burlington- the only reason we could afford our bills. Well, they had to let me go after the holiday season and my manager promised she would give me a call in the spring if they were hiring again... they are and she did! I really didn't think I would hear from her, but that's awesome. It means I can take the lesser-paying job that is at the tip of my fingers and have a second job at Burlington.

Supposedly I've been hired for this lesser-paying job, but I have not been given a start date and I was told she'll be in touch. I honestly don't believe it until it happens.

So I gotta go get ready for the current "S" list job- because yes, it is on my shit list.

My Prayer

I never thought that this phase of my life would be so difficult. I simply cannot find a job in my career and I sincerely cannot stand that job that I do have. It is just to easy to ask "What have I done wrong?" or "What Karma have I inflicted upon myself?"

It seems to easy to blame the economy, but from what I hear I'm supposed to.

I haven't chosen the right opportunities to lead my path- that's what it comes down to. When Happenings offered me freelance after my internship, I wrote one article before deciding that I had too much on my plate and bowed out. I should have held onto that like my first born. Then, when UNC decided I wasn't good enough for their Communications Coordinator position, they sent me mail offering a part-time position teaching after-school kind creative writing. I snubbed my nose at that because for one, I was bitter about not getting the original job and for two, I felt I needed something full-time. Yet, I ended up taking a job at Macy's which I absolutely hated and never went back to after my honeymoon.

I brought this tough time upon myself and I can only pray that I get the opportunity to turn it around again. This rut feels never-ending and my poor hubby takes the brunt of it. I cry about this job. Cry. Okay... I'm a cry baby and always will be, but I have not always cried about my jobs. I've had plenty of jobs I didn't enjoy, but as I've tried to explain to my husband 100 or more times, it's not about totally enjoying it at this point. It's about not hating it.


Dear Lord,

I am working very hard to pursue writing opportunities. Please give me the strength to prevent keeping my head under the covers for three days straight. Please help me to get motivated to go to my current job. My hope is dwindling and my patience is being tested. Please allow opportunity to come knowing that I've learned my lesson.

All my love,

Bird

I'm sure I'm not the only one

Oh blog, how I've missed you!

I would be surprised to learn that more than one person actually reads this blog, but it is a wonderful tool for self soothing, venting and self discovery.

The apartment is wonderful, except the lack of Internet. The pups are wonderful, except that they still don't get along. The marriage is wonderful, except.... well it seems as though it would follow the pattern, but I don't have an exception to this one. I'm hating my job and the boy is my rock. I love him and if it weren't for him, I would (well, I wouldn't need this job), but other than that I would probably have been put in a mental hospital by now.

Anyway, this whole job thing. I am trying so hard to do the right thing by finding another job while still maintaining this one, but it isn't easy. I despise this job. I get sick with stress knowing that I have to do it today and tomorrow and the next day. I am a person with intense emotions and while that can be good in some instances, it can be very bad in others. Not only do I know what I love, I know what I hate and hatred brings on so many other disturbing feelings. I'm a great decision maker by what feels right and it usually works out wonderfully, but when it feels wrong and the reality is that I cannot change it right away, there are some serious stress issues.

SO, here I am... searching for another job. I would like to find one in my field (Professional Writing: PR, Journalism, Creative Writing and anything in between). Really, I promise I'm not having to LOVE my job. At this point I would love a job I didn't mind.

The least I can feel good about is that I'm trying. Since discovering the hatred for my job (about four weeks ago) I've applied for three likable jobs that somewhat pertain to my career path. I wish I could apply for more, but the job market is not so great and I need to make enough $ to sustain while the boy is finishing up school.

We'll make it. I just gotta keep trying my best and hoping. Overall, I hope the physical stress of hating this job doesn't hurt me too much in the long run.

Deciding on a life motto

Right now is the difficult time in my life where I can't find a job in my career and coincidently, the job I do have is one I never thought I would want or could handle.

It may be all about the economy that we hear so much about. It's become the key word in conversation for the past few months and all expect things to get worse before they get better. What if, when they do get better, my degree is a lost cause because I've forgotten it all? That's a big worry, but I wont give up.

I'm still working on getting internet at the house. I just don't think Verizon is the best deal, but we might go with it anyway because I'm not feeling like shopping around.

I've gotta go for now, but I'll write later.

Hope

I still don't have the Internet at home, so I thought I'd sneak on here to share some inspiring words. A few weeks ago I discovered Chris Kelly, who is a columnist for the Scranton Times. I like his stuff.

Anyway, while sneaking onto the Scranton Times website (for good reason... I've nothing else to do and believe me, I've tried time and time again to have something else to do), I came across his latest column. He's trying to find a way to discuss 'hope' and in the end, he lists a few of his:

"I hope President Obama succeeds, and that even his most fervent critics understand that we can’t afford to have him fail. Like it or not, we are all in this together.

I hope we get back to living the ideals we claim to revere. Hard work, fair play and respect for others have to be more than just themes for beer commercials and political ads.

I hope smart makes a comeback, and humility comes along for the ride. Nobody likes a know-it-all, but being a know-nothing is nothing to be proud of. Thinking is always a good idea. Thinking you’re smarter than everyone else is always a mistake.

I hope you have a job. If you don’t, I hope you find one soon. I hope you have a roof over your head, food on your table and the sense to be thankful for these blessings.

I hope you have someone to lean on, and someone to lean on you.

I hope your children grow up smart and strong and have it better than you did growing up. I hope they can go to college without taking on a lifetime of debt and that they’re able to find work when they graduate so they can give their kids a better start than you gave them.

I hope you believe in something bigger than you. There’s nothing more liberating than the knowledge that you are not the center of the universe, and neither is anyone else."

I have to say, I agree.

Hello Friend

It has been so very long since I last blogged!

Well for one update, I have a full-time job! I start on the 26th and it's not my preferred slice of pie, but pie is good in almost any flavor. If you make a call about your credit card, I may be that person who you take your anger out on... so please atempt to hold your temper..

Okay, I'm actually needed at work for once (the temp job before I start the full-timer). I'll have to detail later.